This chapter can be blamed entirely on Subaru's painkillers.
Chapter Nine
Seishirou was in a singularly foul mood. He had been watching at Ikebukuro and hadn’t really realized what Fuuma had intended to do. Otherwise he might have intervened. Or perhaps not; he was never very good at thinking through his decisions where Subaru were concerned.
And now, for some reason that he was unable to fathom, he was in the elevator on the way up to visit Subaru. What had prompted him to do this was rather beyond his comprehension, and now that he was actually there, it seemed like an even worse idea. Still, Subaru had visited him after losing his eye, after all. It was only fair to return the favor.
Of course, they had been friends at the time, but that was a different story.
Subaru was curled up on his side, sound asleep, when Seishirou came in. The visitors that had been in and out all day were now gone, as it was long past visiting hours. (In fact, it was so far past visiting hours that Seishirou had needed to sneak past several nurses just to get in.) There was a small stuffed bunny clutched in one of Subaru’s hands. Seishirou stopped in the doorway and watched him for a long minute while he slept. After a moment, he cleared his throat. Subaru still didn’t twitch, but a twinge of Seishirou’s senses alerted him that Subaru was asleep and choosing to ignore him.
Seishirou smirked, walked over, and kissed Subaru firmly on the lips.
“Mmph!” Subaru snapped to full awareness.
Seishirou backed away, still smirking. “Ohayo, Subaru-kun,” he said, ignoring the fact that it was nearly ten o’clock at night.
Subaru half-sat up, propping himself against the pillows and rubbing his unwounded eye. “Couldn’t you just shake my shoulder like a considerate person?” he grumbled, looking anywhere except at Seishirou.
“I could,” Seishirou said. “But I didn’t feel like it. I’m not a considerate person, after all.”
“Right,” Subaru said, staring steadfastly out the window.
“How are you feeling?” Seishirou asked, in a vain attempt to be courteous.
“I’m not dead yet,” Subaru stated flatly.
“I can see that,” Seishirou replied, a touch of irony in his voice.
Subaru laughed slightly. “Yeah. Other than that I’m fine.” He picked up the bunny and began to play with it, tugging on one of its ears.
Seishirou studied the bandages wrapped around Subaru’s head and arms. He was fairly sure that there were more underneath the blankets, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to ask. “You have an interesting definition of fine,” he finally said.
“Yeah, well, I got more than I asked for.” Subaru watched Seishirou pace around the room. “Sit down. You’re making me dizzy standing there.”
Seishirou pulled the chair over to the bed and sat down. “Why did you let him do that to you?” he asked curiously.
Subaru laughed again. “I didn’t precisely let him,” he pointed out, neatly avoiding the issue at hand.
Seishirou rolled his eyes. “Give me a break. You could have stopped him and you know it.”
“Why do you care anyway?” Subaru asked, again avoiding the question.
“Who said I cared?” Seishirou asked, leaning back in his chair. “Maybe I’m just satisfying my curiosity.”
“What does it take to have someone gain your notice?” Subaru asked. He was feeling cranky, and really would have liked some painkillers, despite the fact that he was already drugged to the gills. “I wish I had died, if only because then I wouldn’t have to put up with your shit anymore.”
Seishirou shrugged, choosing to ignore the second part of that statement. “You have my attention. Otherwise I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
“You know,” Subaru said, flopping over to face Seishirou, “I bet it really bugs you that your favorite toy is off pretending to have a life instead of sitting on the shelf, gathering dust, and waiting for you to become interested again.”
“Not at all,” Seishirou said, quite politely. “It would only bother me if you really did have a life. Pretending to have one is fine.”
Subaru rolled over again to face the window. “Why did you come here?”
Seishirou shrugged yet again. “I figured I would check on you. Am I not allowed?”
“I don’t know,” Subaru said. “Why bother if you don’t care? Or are you just pissed that someone else touched something that belongs to you?”
“You can draw whatever conclusion you wish about why I came,” Seishirou shrugged, looking at the wall. “And as to belonging, whoever said you belonged to me?”
“You know what, Seishirou-san?” Subaru asked, staring out the window. “Sometimes I wish I could manage to hate you.”
“Why?” Seishirou asked, genuinely curious.
“Because, in the end, I think I might feel better,” Subaru said, his voice dull. “You know, have a little respect for myself.”
“I don’t see why you don’t have respect for yourself,” Seishirou replied.
“Gee, I wonder,” Subaru replied, fighting the urge to try to get up and bitchslap Seishirou. “Look at everything you’ve done to me, and I just keep letting you. Admit it; it’s sort of pathetic.”
“It all depends on how you look at it,” Seishirou said with a shrug.
“I have a question,” Subaru said, dropping the subject entirely.
“Yes?” Seishirou asked, taking his new sunglasses off and putting them on the side table.
“Why did you do all that?” Subaru asked, looking away. “I mean really, deep down, what was your reasoning?”
Seishirou blinked at him. And then blinked again. Truthfully, he’d never really thought about it, nor had he ever expected to have to justify his actions to anybody. He considered it for a long moment, tapping his fingers against the table. “For which part?” he finally asked.
“All of it,” Subaru replied, giving Seishirou no escape. “Why make the bet? Why take Hokuto instead of me? Why not cut me loose now? For once stop bullshitting me and give me a real answer.”
Seishirou could do much better once there were concrete questions he was supposed to answer. He considered each one carefully before coming up with the best answers he could really give. “The bet? To keep myself amused. Hokuto instead of you? She requested it. Not cutting you loose? You show no desire to be cut loose. Satisfied?”
“No. But that’s okay. I’m used to it.”
“Which part of my answer was unsatisfactory?” Seishirou asked.
“All of it. But I really didn’t expect anything better.” Subaru was still lying on his side, facing the window. He hadn’t looked at Seishirou in approximately ten minutes.
“Then why did you ask?” Seishirou asked.
“I can hope,” Subaru replied.
“I suppose,” Seishirou said with a shrug. “Then why don’t you hate me?”
“I’m not quite sure,” Subaru said. “I guess in some twisted way I hope that you still actually feel something for me. Or maybe I’m just pathetic enough to still be in love with you.”
Seishirou stared at him for several long minutes, being taken totally off guard by this comment. “I’m coming to the inevitable conclusion that there’s nothing I can say to that,” he finally said.
“How’s it feel to be helpless?” Subaru asked pleasantly.
“Distinctly unpleasant, thank you,” Seishirou replied.
Subaru curled up slightly, studying the window as if it held the secrets to the universe. He didn’t reply.
“The bet was unfair, you know,” Seishirou said conversationally. “I didn’t realize it until afterwards. It was set up so you couldn’t win, because I knew that I might come to feel something for you and so I guarded myself against that eventuality.”
“It’s nice to know I at least had a chance, even if you loaded the dice in your favor,” Subaru said absently.
“I didn’t do it consciously,” Seishirou said, his tone a bit defensive. “I just realized that the bet didn’t matter, because even if you had won, I never would have admitted it.” He lit up a cigarette, ignoring the fact that they were in a hospital and there were no smoking signs pasted about every twenty feet.
“So why am I still alive?” Subaru asked. “It’s not like you really cared that Hokuto-chan gave herself in my place; you would have killed me anyway if you had wanted to. So why am I still alive?”
“You just said it yourself,” Seishirou said, blinking. “If I didn’t kill you, it was because I didn’t want you dead.”
Subaru watched him smoke, hoping vaguely that there was enough oxygen in the room to blow them both to bits. It didn’t seem to be happening. “Why?” he finally asked.
Seishirou shrugged. “I don’t know, really.”
Subaru resisted the urge to shout ‘do you know anything?!’ He wouldn’t prefer lies, not really, but they would have made the conversation a great deal easier. He decided it was time for a strategic change of subject again. “Why does it bother you to see me getting close to other people?” he asked. “Because I know Kamui ticks you right the hell off.”
“I think you overestimate how much it annoys me, Subaru-kun,” Seishirou told him, lying through his teeth.
“Then why not leave me alone?” Subaru asked. “Why follow me around?”
Seishirou raised an eyebrow. “What, are you under the impression that I only started doing that after you met Kamui?”
“You’ve been doing it since Hokuto died,” Subaru realized.
“On and off.”
“Why?” Subaru asked.
“Because it amuses me,” Seishirou replied.
“Why?” Subaru repeated. “It’s not like I’m that exciting. I’m not even the cute, innocent little boy you first met.”
“Whether or not you’re exciting has nothing to do with it,” Seishirou answered. “Watching you is enjoyable, so I do.”
“You drive me insane,” Subaru said, pressing both his hands against his face. “Do you know that? Quite literally at times, I think.”
“Why?” Seishirou asked.
“Because I want to be near you and I hate it,” Subaru answered flatly.
“How is that my fault?” Seishirou answered, honestly confused.
“Because you made me fall in love with you,” Subaru said, again playing with the bunny, his gaze fixed elsewhere.
“That’s not entirely accurate, you know,” Seishirou pointed out. “It wasn’t my intent.”
“You made yourself everything I had ever wanted,” Subaru accused.
“That wasn’t really my intent either.”
Subaru glared at him for a long moment before looking away. “Tell your Kamui next time you see him that he can just do me a favor and kill me.”
“He wouldn’t, and I won’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because on the off chance that he might take you up on the offer, I’d prefer that the offer not be made,” Seishirou said.
“Right,” Subaru said. “I forgot for a moment that your amusement is more important than anything I might want.”
“I suppose I should apologize,” Seishirou said, but there was no remorse in his voice.
“You should,” Subaru said quietly, “but I’ve had enough lies from you to last me a lifetime.”
Seishirou only shrugged in reply.
“Seishirou-san?”
“Hm?” Seishirou looked over at where Subaru was now picking at the blankets.
“What would it take to make you happy?”
Seishirou blinked at him, bewildered. “I don’t know. I must say that I’m not overly familiar with the concept.”
“Do you feel anything?” Subaru asked, a note of frustration in his voice.
Seishirou paused for a long minute before answering. “If I say no, you’ll be angry. If I say yes, you’ll say that I lost the bet, but it’s perfectly possible that I started feeling after losing. There’s no answer I can give that would satisfy you.”
“I didn’t ask if you felt anything for me. I asked if you felt anything.”
“At the moment I’m feeling rather confused.”
“Very clever,” Subaru said.
“At least it was honest,” Seishirou replied.
“You might want to go home before we try to kill each other,” Subaru said.
Seishirou gave a mournful sigh. “For us, we’re doing quite well, really.”
“I’m drugged out of my skull,” Subaru pointed out.
“That probably has a great deal to do with it, yes.” Seishirou paused. “Do you want me to go?”
Subaru pondered this question for a very long minute. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore,” he replied.
“That’s not really what I asked.”
“Then I don’t know.”
Seishirou just sort of sighed. “The one time I try to defer to what you want, and you can’t even give me an answer. That’s rather ironic, don’t you think?”
“I want you to stay, if you want to stay with me, not watch me as a curiosity. If you can’t do that, I want you to go.”
Seishirou considered his options for a long minute. Then, fairly certain that he was going to get punched, he perched on the edge of the bed, carefully interposing his body between Subaru and the pillows so Subaru was lying against his chest. “I want to stay,” he said, just in case Subaru hadn’t noticed, wrapping his arms around Subaru’s waist but being careful of his injuries.
“Why?” Subaru asked softly, not flinching away from Seishirou’s touch but rather settling into it comfortably.
“Because . . . my house is very empty right now,” Seishirou said quietly.
Subaru smiled slightly, melting back into Seishirou’s arms. “Where’s your son?”
“He lives with his mother, except for the weekends.”
“Do you miss him?” Subaru asked quietly.
There was a long silence before Seishirou answered. “I don’t know. I’ve never missed anyone before, and I’m not sure what it’s like.”
“It’s not that hard to figure out,” Subaru assured him. “You’re kind of upset they’re not there and really wish that they were back.”
“Then I suppose I do miss him,” Seishirou said thoughtfully. “Which seems rather odd, given that he doesn’t seem to like me very much.”
“I don’t think that’s quite it,” Subaru told him.
“Oh?” Seishirou asked. “What do you think it is?”
“I think you confuse him.”
“I suppose I probably do,” Seishirou said. “I seem to have that affect on a lot of people.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Presumably because I never act in a pattern that correlates with anyone else on the planet,” Seishirou said dryly.
“Seishirou-san, you don’t act in a pattern that correlates with yourself.” Subaru reflected that it didn’t really make much sense, but he was drugged and tired, and therefore excusable.
Seishirou laughed slightly. “I suppose not.”
“You might want to try,” Subaru told him.
“I’ll make an effort in the future.”
“Why are you suddenly being so nice?” Subaru asked.
Seishirou blinked. In truth, Seishirou rarely thought about the reasons he did anything. He wasn’t precisely impuslive; it was more like he lacked the capability to examine his own motivation. “I’m not sure,” he finally said. “Because you seemed to like it.”
“I’ll assume you meant that in a good way instead of a condescending way,” Subaru said. “So thank you.”
“You need to get some sleep, Subaru-kun.”
Subaru gave a little shrug. “Who is Seimei’s mother?” he asked sleepily.
“I rather doubt you know her. Her name is Hideaki Misako.”
“I didn’t mean her name. I meant . . . who is she. How do you know her. How did she end up having your child. Did you marry her or what?”
“No, we were never married,” Seishirou said, absently playing with Subaru’s hair and wondering why he was telling Subaru any of this. “I needed an heir, she needed money; we traded.”
“Well, why does she have your son and not you? That’s not really a trade.”
“Because all I need is to be able to train him, and I’m fairly certain that she raised him better than I ever could have dreamed of.”
“You might have made an okay father,” Subaru said.
Seishirou let out an undignified snort. “I see him three days a week and I’ve still managed to mess him up. I hate to think what would have happened if I’d had free reign over him.”
“But you care enough to do the right thing.”
“I suppose you could look at it that way, yes, though Seimei doesn’t seem to.”
“I don’t think he knows you.”
“I don’t think he wants to know me.”
“Ask him.”
“Ask him?” Seishirou frowned. “Ask him what? Hey, Sei-kun, do you hate me as much as you seem to?”
“Yeah, sure.” Subaru yawned.
Seishirou sighed softly. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to know the answer, if the answer is yes.”
“You already think the worst. This way you might be pleasantly surprised.”
Seishirou shook his head. “Ambiguity is better than no hope.”
Subaru snuggled up to him, smiling slightly. “I still think you should ask.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Seishirou said. He had no plans on asking, but didn’t want to lie to Subaru anymore. He simply hugged Subaru a little tighter. “Now go to sleep.”
“Okay.”
~~~~
When Kamui came in the next morning to visit Subaru before his classes began, the Sumeragi was still sound asleep, cradled in Seishirou’s arms. The assassin was awake, but made no move to leave as Kamui stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips and an extremely bewildered expression on his face.
“Ohayo, Kamui,” Seishirou said, smiling slightly at Kamui’s wide-eyed stare.
“Last time I checked, you were a heinous evildoer,” Kamui said brightly. “Did something change?”
Seishirou yawned and stretched. “No, not really.”
Kamui walked in and sat down. “Right. When did you get all cuddly?”
“Approximately eleven o’clock last night,” Seishirou said. He glanced down as Subaru started to move, waking up.
“Well, feel free to be all cuddly with Subaru, but don’t think you can play both sides of the coin,” Kamui said, “or I’ll kick your ass from here to next Sunday.”
Seishirou cleared his throat. “I wasn’t aware I was really playing either side of the coin.”
“Just checking.”
Subaru sat up, rubbing his uninjured eye and looking around. “Oh . . . morning Kamui . . . oh shit.”
“Nice to see you too,” Seishirou remarked dryly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.
“No, no, I didn’t . . . er.” Subaru stopped, turning red. Kamui began to laugh at both of them as Seishirou gave a lopsided little smile and settled back into his place behind Subaru.
“You two are remarkably cute together,” Kamui said. “How long has this been going on?”
“I told you,” Seishirou said. “Since eleven o’clock last night.” He didn’t bother to deny the allegations of cuteness or togetherness, mostly because he had a feeling that either Kamui would laugh or Subaru would get upset.
“It’s not what you -- ” Subaru began, then pause. “Um. Er.” He looked at the floor, feeling like an idiot.
“Think it is,” Seishirou finished for him.
“No, I think it really is what I think it is,” Kamui replied.
“And what exactly is that?” Seishirou asked.
“One of my Seals cuddling up with one of Fuuma’s lackeys.”
“See? You’re totally mistaken,” Seishirou said. “I am not, nor have I ever been, one of Fuuma’s lackeys. I have yet to take a single order from him and plan on kicking his ass in just a few hours for daring to touch Subaru.”
“I’m all for it,” Kamui said dryly.
“Uh . . .” Subaru interrupted. He seemed to be stuttering a lot. He chalked it up to the wearing off of his painkillers.
“What?” Seishirou asked him.
Subaru put a hand over the bandages over his eye. “Never mind.”
Seishirou decided not to press the issue.
“Well, I just came to check up on you,” Kamui said. “I’ve gotta go. I’m meeting Keiichi for breakfast,” he added, with a silly little grin.
Subaru smiled back. “You really like him, don’t you.”
“Maybe,” Kamui said, going slightly shifty-eyed.
“You two are very cute together too, you know.”
“You’re not allowed to make fun of me! You’re sleeping with the enemy!”
Seishirou cleared his throat.
“I am most certainly not having sex with him!” Subaru said indignantly.
Kamui stood up and gave Subaru a brief hug. “I know. I was just messing with you. I’d better go.” He gave Seishirou a firm look. “You had better leave before anyone else comes to visit.”
“Why?” Seishirou asked. “If you didn’t kill me, why would they?”
“Because the rest of them have a much better developed sense of justice than I do,” Kamui said. “Jaa ne, Subaru.” He strolled out of the room, whistling.
“He’s in a good mood,” Seishirou observed.
“I think he just realized he actually liked somebody who was available and, well, not trying to kill him,” Subaru said.
“Ah yes. Young love.”
“I sort of remember what that was like.”
“Aa,” Seishirou said. “Me too.”
~~~~
Chapter Ten
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