A/N: This is in three parts.
A Tribute to Jonathan Brandis
"Guy of My Dreams"
written 1995
There is a man who’s far away
He is the only light to my day
When he’s not there my world is dim
Oh, how I know that I love him
I know that he cannot hear me
But in his hand he holds the key
He is the one who sets my heart free
He just means so much to me
When I see him in movies or on TV,
He just seems so far from me
I’ve seen the posters, and I’ve read the books
But he says so much with just his gorgeous looks
I know that I’m just a love sick girl
He makes me head spin and swirl
He is the perfect guy of my dreams
But nothing is ever what it seems
[Jonathan Brandis hung himself November 12, 2003.]
"Dead End Angel"
written 2003
There’s a dead angel over my bed
He’s hanging by the rope he tied himself
The guardian of my adolescence who had no one left to guard
Who was unguarded himself
Hanging there with empty eyes that cause my own to water
Must I cut him down so I don’t have to face that anymore?
~~~
I’m sorry, Jon. I am sorry that I became afraid again. I forgot everything you ever taught me. You taught me that my feelings were important, and that I should not be afraid to share them with people. You told me it was okay, and I believed you. I was fearless. But each time I was wounded, a bit of my shield was rebuilt. It happened slowly over a long period of time; I didn’t know it had been rebuilt at all. But it was more than rebuilt; it was reinforced and renovated. It was must stronger than the original one you had broken. There were only small little chinks to let in or out the light. I was walking around in a suit of full armor and didn’t know it; I didn’t see it in the mirror.
If you had known the lesson you taught me in the first place, what would you think of me now? Forgive me for my fear. But I can’t take the armor away now. To honor your memory, I will try to find a happy medium between the armor and nakedness.
~~~