1.(A man and boy are watching A Muppet's Christmas Carol.)
"Man: Oh, look! London! I used to live there!
Boy: Really? Did you live with the Muppets?!"
2. "The monkey sex threw me off."
(Of what, I wonder?)
3. "It's like an S&M hamster!
(I'm very afraid.)
4. "Pictures of my formerly-alive cat."
(Okay, look, this was said by a presenter when I had just started my new job [he was trying to locate something on his computer while it was hooked up to the projector]. I started to wonder who I was working with.)
5. "Way to make things complimated!"
(No problem!)
6. "Person 1: I haven't even stroked you yet!
Person 2: I'll give you a stroke!"
7. "I like the smell of new balls."
(What? I do! Tennis balls, that is!)
8. "And all it cost me was my human form."
(Video games are the source of many amusing quotes.)
9. "This is like a no bear fountain."
(There were no mammoths allowed either.)
10. "I have problems with balls flying at my face. I don't like it!"
(I will keep that in mind.)
11. "Everything's dishwasher safe. Except paper mache."
(Aw, man ...)
12. "Person 1: That's what happens in old age; everything starts falling off.
Person 2: Not really. It's old age, not leprosy!"
13. "His wife's husband died?"
(Adventures in miscommunication!)
14. "Sorry, life sucks. Have a nice day!"
15. "This one, it looks like a hamster died in the pocket!"
(There are already too many hamsters on this list.)
16. "Person 1: Some people are just set on automatic pilot.
Person 2: Some people are set on automatic idiot!
17. "You won't find it if you don't operate your eyeballs correctly."
(Oh, is THAT the problem?)
18. "Oh, you fucker! Give me your meat!"
(Ah, more adventures in World of Warcraft.)
19. "It looked like a sock. It had five fingers!"
(Oh, really?)
20. (At a wedding reception)
"Guest: Hey, [Bride]! Who ya dancin' with?
Bride: (ecastatically) My husband!
Guest: Hey, [Groom]! Who ya dancin' with?
Groom: Huh? What?"
(No, this was not my wedding.)
21. "Person A: Who's coming out?
Person B: Not me.
Person A: Fine. I'll make sure to tell that great story, since you won't be there.
Person C: Wait a minute. What story?
Person A: I don't know. But I'll make something up!"
22. "They very do a good job."
(Good to know!)
23. "Me and my bikini area have some issues."
(I'd like to think it's not as bad as it sounds.)
24. "Why is that person [still] there? They're dead!"
(This is what happens when you watch a TV series out of order.)
25. (While driving and getting lost en route to a restaurant)
"Woman: You are so many kinds of fired; there aren't even enough classfications for it!
Man: But we're on this cool-looking bridge that looks like we're heading up into outer space!
Woman: Am I any closer to my chocolate cake than I was three minutes ago?
Man: ... No.
Woman: Then I am not amused."
26. "Fruit flies usually like sweet things. Not dead bodies."
(Just ... ew.)
27. "I got this rich, creamy -- uh oh."
28. "I'd marry a midget just so he'd fit into that costume!"
29. "It feels good against my naked skin. Wait, isn't skin inherently naked?"
(Last I checked ...)
30. "We'll go to great lengths for free wood."
(I am totally not kidding; this was said in a non-sexual context!)
31. "Person 1: So then I passed out and woke up with a demon in my mouth.
Person 2: Yeah, that happens to me all the time."
32. "Person 1: I'll stay here as I'm comfortable and half-dressed.
Person 2: Just the way I like you."
33. "You're riding a homoerotic dragon."
(Who knew?)
34. "AAAH! I have a pinky!"
(Pinky poke!)
35. "Bailey's isn't whiskey! It's Irish cream and ... whiskey."
36. "Person 1: I have a very sophisticated palette.
Person 2: Okay, Mr. Taco Bell.
Person 1: I'll have you know ... shut up."
37. "If I'm gonna flash my boobs, there will not be a baby attached."
(Good to know?)
38. "Stop running away. I'm trying to kill you."
(Oh, I'm terribly sorry.)
39. "Well, we all have our pie noises."
(The most famous being Homer Simpson's, I suppose.)
40. "If we sucked the sarcasm out of you, you'd be flat and two dimensional!"
(Maybe like a ... "bitchy trampoline?" Oh! Couldn't resist!)
41. "Men are like Rubik's cubes: boring and frustrating, but we fucked with 'em anyway."
42. "She laced my cheese with confidence!"
(Is that what they're calling it now?)
43. "So, are you saying my car is a hermaphrodite?"
(Yes. Wait, what?)
44. "The definition of 'friend' is not 'person who obeys your every command!'"
45. "I've bent over so many times this trip, my back is starting to hurt."
(I'm betting that's not that only thing that hurts ...)
46. "Two AM is not the time to tell me the bad thing!"
(For future reference, "the bad thing" may be told between the hours of eight and eleven AM.)
47. "I'm a delicate flower of femininity, and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves!"
48. "My blobbishness requires chocolate frosting."
(Really hoping this refers to dessert and not a body part.)
49. "I'm getting a lot of inflatable sticks tonight."
(All the better to beat you with, my dear.)
50. "Person 1: Your hair is molesting me!
Person 2: That's okay. Sometimes it molests me, too."
51. "Person 1: One of us needs to win the lottery and keep us in the manner to which we've become accumstomed.
Person 2: What manner is that?
(Long silence.)
Person 1: (tentatively) Mooching?"
52. "She is a raging, profane chicken."
(Oxymoron or new comic book hero?)
53. "I'm just sitting here sucking on hard."
(Rock Band is also the source of many amusing quotes.)
54. "HI! I love when I answer the phone, and there's a man on the other end saying that!"
55. "Roses and goats. I'm not sure what that says."
(I love you, and I want to eat all of your clothes?)
56. "This debate needs pineapple."
(And this sonnet needs asparagus. Just, what?)
57. "I love it when there's some dude fucking ... on my nuts."
(Ah, sentences that die halfway through. Gotta love it.)
58. "It's like you need a fucking rocket surgery degree to operate their website!"
59. (regarding skiing)
"Person 1: Well, she's better than I am anyway.
Person 2: You ran over a nun! I don't think the bar is set very high!"
60. "Look, honey! Ski bunnies! Maybe if we stare long enough, they'll start to copulate!"
61. "I don't want your vodka in my kazoo."
(Ah, Digital Overload 2010.)
62. "You have to understand that women throwing their clothes at me is not an uncommon thing."
(Lucky.)
63. "This is like...make-your-own-pervy!"
(Like Choose Your Own Adventure. Except better.)
64. Things you don't want to be heard saying at work:
"Getting off is the fun part anyway."
65. "I suppose it makes as much sense as a zombie groaning 'gallbladders'."
66. "Person 1: We are fucking morons.
Person 2: You really shouldn't. There are perfectly smart people you could be fucking."
67. "It's a big, 3-dimensional ink blot that could kill you."
(Wonder what a therapist would say about that.)
68. "My nose cannot see you! Or hear you!"
(Keep going ... you've almost got the right sense ...)
69. "I dunno if it was the surgery or just a bad avocado."
(Well, both are evil.)
70. "I do not fear the wall. (pause) The ceiling, on the other hand..."
(So long as there isn't a Spider Pig in your house, you should be safe.)
71. "Evil is inherently baritone - how interesting."
72. "I'm kind of allergic to cameras."
73. "Is that a skunk or your cooking I smell?"
(All I have to say is ... awkward ...)
74. "Person 1: Men have ... certain things that women don't.
Person 2: Yeah, but most of them you can buy in novelty shops."
75. "Your ideal wedding would involve two men ... and not you."
76. "Person 1: They're making a live-action Cowboy Bebop movie, starring Keanu Reeves. As Spike.
Person 2: Thank god. I thought he'd be Fay."
(Man-Fay!)
77. "This time without the fuckbits!"
(What fun is that?)
78. Person 1: "Ritsu's even girlier.
Person 2: Yeah, but she's an actual crossdresser.
Person 1: He.
Person 2: See?!"
79. "Magnesium: fire. Pajamas: not fire."
(I'm glad we straightened that out.)
80. Person 1: "Freak.
Person 2: Me or you?
Person 1: You.
Person 2: So says the sun-loving lizard-vampire."
81. "I'm having a trashcan bonanza over here."
82. "Please whore to one piece of furniture at once."
83. "I wish I could just lie around like a dead beetle."
(Good thing there isn't a genie around ...)
84. "All of your muffins have now been placed in cryogenic stasis."
(Is this a new euphemism I need to be aware of?)
85. Person 1: "Pets do tend to lend a certain new perspective on life.
Person 2: Right - the 'Hey, look what I can sleep on!' perspectve."
86. "But if we eat all the sausage beforehand, we'll be sad! (pause) ...Gimme."
87. "Does he sexually molest albatrosses for a living? Because if he does it on an amateur basis, that's ok."
88. "I'm some sort of annoying sleep camel."
(Do you have lovely lady lumps to go with those humps?)
89. "It looks like Cthulhu had sex with a cat!"
(WHY WOULD YOU EVER IMAGINE WHAT THAT WOULD LIKE?!?!)
90. "Suddenly I have talking heads in my head."
(Isn't that a band?)
91. Person 1: "Sorry, just woke up from a nap that went longer than expected. So I have a mild case of undeath at the moment."
Person 2: (giggles) "Quote list!"
Person 1: "It's only mild!"
92. "It's like, 'Hi! Buy me!' Bonk!"
93. Person 1: "Is it just me, or is homosexuality almost a bit of a fad these days?
"Oh, it totally is. They've finally discovered the call of the wild fangirl."
94. Person 1: "You know, he's gotta be really buff.
Person 2: Yum - er, I mean, yeah!"
95. "I'm a fondue squid!"
96. "I'm taking the green beans out of my purse."